Saturdays have never been better. Live action every weekend from 10 am to 1 am next morning.
What else can one demand in life? I’m so fine with this. This culture. This mob. Inside parliaments. This is too good for Netflix.
You don’t even need a subscription. It’s free. Choose a side and enjoy.
Every Saturday is like a new season. You have new villains and no heroes. Only hoes.
My favorite episode was from last weekend. That prison van and Bajwa doing all the constitutional stuff and courts opening in midnight to change one hybrid regime with another hybrid regime on the behest of one man, Bajwa, against another villain, Khan. Loved that.
My second favorite was DJ ISPR. He was so good. Even his expressions were as confused as his content. He was bickering live comical stuff with so many doubts. But never stopped. Embarrassingly. Loved that character.
And today is another dish being cooked live since morning. This time it’s Punjab’s parliament and goons are having a day. Chilling, beating, sleeping, all live.
No doubt the Cartoon PM couldn’t bear our happiness with TV screens and took our Saturdays away. Shameless!
After Alpha Bravo Charlie, this is the finest production by ISPR. Can’t deny that. His Highness always gives credit where it’s due.
Category: Pakistan
The Coward and His Cult
“Did I ever break the law?“, he roared. “No!!!” the crowd shouted in reply… and the whole city was submerged under a dense smog of dumbness.
“Yes, you did. You violated the Constitution“, said no one.
Because cult following has a thing: It’s of idiots. Always.
Let’s recap – brief history of not-so-homo-sapiens:
Right after independence, Jinnah sensed power hunger among top military officials – including Ayub Khan. However, Jinnah left soon and things became easier for the men in uniform.
Then came Bhutto in the 1960s, who became Bhutto because of General Ayub Khan. However, when he had a falling out with Ayub, he stood up and fought against him. He fought against General Zia too until he was jailed and hanged.
Break Time: Two cents for idiots – There are still people who believe that in 1971, Bhutto (not in power) was able to overpower General Yahya (in power) so that Mujeeb (man with majority mandate) couldn’t form his Government. It was the military which didn’t come to terms with the fact they have to follow East Pakistan.
Anyway, During General Ayub’s time, Fatima Jinnah also stood against him in 1965. She was also labeled as ‘traitor’ and ‘agent of India’. These treacherous games are not new.
Then came Benazir in 1988, who stood against consistent military interventions with jail-time, until she was assassinated in 2007. She named General Musharraf in her life as conspirator against her. She paved her way back to
Pakistan through dialogues and was the co-founder of the 18th Amendment which devolved power to provinces.
Then came Nawaz for this third turn in 2018 – after two past failures through military. When he was ousted, he took names of generals in Lahore and Gujranwala. Didn’t shy away.
Now come to Imran Khan, who became PM in 2018. He remained powerless until he was adopted by General Pasha and Co. in 2010-11. He is in power in KP since 2013. In 2022, he was ousted by Bajwa, through the same old court tactics. However, Khan couldn’t name names.
Among all the civilian prime ministers, or puppets, he’s the most coward one – yet the loudest ones – who blames other puppets even when he was humiliated and thrown out by someone else.
Fatima Jinnah took names. Bhutto took names. Mujeeb took names. Benazir took names. Nawaz took names. All of them took names when they were hurt. But Khan – No. Too coward for that and too dependent on the military for his future.
Let me elaborate. Yesterday, he named Raymond Davis in Peshawar jalsa and blamed it on courts. Well, Davis was escorted by General Pasha himself from the court to the airport. But Khan couldn’t name him. He just brushed it under the judicial carpet.
He blamed courts for his ouster too. Well, yes, courts were opened at midnight; but not for imponents of PMLN or PPP or PDM. Everyone knows who opened the courts. Yet, Khan couldn’t name.
He is pulling a cult of thousands of people wherever he goes, yet he has nothing else to offer except that same old rhetoric of 2011. But idiots don’t get it. You sometimes keep on listening to the same song on repeat, even when the lyrics sucks, just because the music is good.
Now come to cults. Yes. You, idiot!
Just kidding. Not now.
Thank you Chief!
Those who believed “missing people” is a hoax, were protesting with posters of Vigo last night.
Those who said “PTM is against the state”, were against the state like PTM yesterday.
Those who used to say “must have done something”, were tweeting “what have they done?” this weekend.
Those who believed elections were “free and fair” in 2018, were shouting against “neutrality” in 2022.
Those who believed it’s the ugly politicians and clean establishment, were against ugly establishment for clean politicians in massive crowds.
Thank you Chief! You did what others couldn’t do. I mean, they did. But they did not. Acres and acres of lands were gone and billion-dollar pizza empires were raised and no one had a clue.
And look at you?
Thank you!
Youthopia
4 steps to greatness:
Pre-requisite: Tasbih. It’s handy.
Step 1: Make a story that West is against you and America has purchased traitors to oust your government.
Step 2: Sell it. Market it. Advertise it daily. Tell people your life is in danger too.
Step 3: Use Constitution to breach Constitution and dissolve the government. Do what America was trying to do. Oust yourself. Conquer your fear.
Step 4: Back to Step 2. Sell and market yourself. Daily. Take fake phone calls. Quote Medina, Islam, Hussain, Rumi, and whoever you know. Keep speaking.
Meanwhile –
Idiots before Step 3: West is trying to oust the government of Pakistan.
Idiots after Step 3: Khan has ousted the government himself. One ball, three wickets.
One.
Ball.
Dialogue –
Government: America tried to change the government of Pakistan.
Russia: Yes.
America: No.
China: What?
Sheikh Rasheed: What?
ISI: What is happening?
Mian Channu: Nothing. Keep recording tapes. Who with who for how long…
Gill: Randi!
Deputy Speaker: Article 5. All rise! All sit! Leave!
Opposition: Let’s play. Ayaz! Sit and make me the PM.
PM: A country, America, Oh! Haha! WTF! Not America! Yes, America!
Aurat March: Is he insane?
Shireen: See! Foreign powers are after me?
Idiots: [cheering with dance moves]
PM: You topple me? I topple myself.
Idiots: Check-mate! Kaptaan!
UK: What mate?
Fawad: Foreign powers. Foreign powers. Foreign powers.
America: You just did what we were supposed to do?
Qureshi: Raymond Davis!
[a creak among the woods of Margalla… hogs with wigs rising from slumber… and big bellies… Suo Moto]
Judge: You don’t wake us up on a lazy Sunday after a sneezy Saturday, where we match bellies and wigs with all the vulgarities of the capital. We need time…
Gill: Dallay!
Judge: What?
Gill: Oh! Allow me to explain linguistics at my home your honor!
Epilogue of Naya (Beta Version 2) –
I promised you new homes. 5 lac. 5 million. So, here I bring you my finest offer – ex-Chief Justice Gulzar of Pakistan – who took homes by cranes and the residents by trousers.
Gee Gulzar sb! Aik ghazal?
Welcome to Youthopia.
This is your home.
I know geography.
Nothing Permanent & Nothing Personal
William Clay said, “This is quite a game, politics. There are no permanent enemies, and no permanent friends, only permanent interests.”
Don Vito Corleone said, “Keep your friends close, but enemies closer.”
Nicolo Machiavelli wrote a whole book ‘The Prince’ on this topic. This all is nothing personal, strictly business.
So, opponents of Khan must be rejoicing at the moment that he has taken a U-turn regarding Chaudhary. Same can be said for PMLN who are friends with PPP at the moment and vice versa. All these parties, including all their individual parliamentarians, have done something similar in past.
Changing parties.
Changing friends.
Changing enemies.
And it’s ok.
The thing is an ideology should be there to stand intact. And yes, our political parties and their men don’t have an ideology. A little difference in shade, and they are exactly the same. That’s the ugly problem.
Jinnah had an ideology. He was in Congress. Then he became ambassador of Hindu-Muslim Unity and stood with both Congress and Mulsim League. Then he bycotted both during Non-cooperation Movement. Then he stood with Muslim League for Muslim Representation in United India. And then, way down the line of history, he opted for Pakistan. Can you lable him with U-turns too? NO.
All this while he had AN IDEOLOGY. He had a VISION and he stood – with others or without others – for that ideology only. He even left politics of India and went to England because his ideology was in contrast to the political environment at home.
Sadly, we don’t have a single ideological leader today.
I – His Highness – will stand with anyone for civil supremacy, equal rights, democracy, and rule of law. I am anti-establishment and anti-milbus to the core. That’s all. For that, I will stand – or sit – with anyone down the road.
Now crossing the floor; which is also acceptable. Pretty much allowed by the constitution. Winston Churchill had also benefited from this practice. You cannot label it bad or good just because of your bias.
When Tareen was gathering these ducks in plane, it had a meaning for you. Today, it is disgraceful. No. It’s actually the same thing and only your bias is making it painful. Again, it’s pretty much constitutional. Change it, amend it, or bear it.
That’s pretty much it. Jokes apart, Khan didn’t do wrong in appointing Chaudhary as the next candidate for Punjab, because it’s politics. Chaudhary will remain a vomit nonetheless, who has been vomited in reverse by all the political parties.
U-turns have been taken by all. Khan just has to swallow a lot more because he speaks a lot and that’s because ‘speaking’ is his Unique Selling Point (USP). He called people to Islamabad for Trump Card and offered them nothing, yet crowd went home happily.
One sad thing though is Khan’s ego. He had a majority in both provincial assemblies of KPK and Punjab. And just to sit on PM’s seat in Federal, he is messing two giant provincial governments as well. His ego is one major reason that PTI is crubming in provinces.
Lastly – really – these are puppets without an ideology or a vision. A new combo is made by military after every decade, which is a mixture of different combos, to fight the previous combo, for interests of military business.
Bhutto came through the door of Ayub. Nawaz and MQM through Zia. Chaudries through Musharraf. And Khan through Pasha and Faiz. None of these combinations were democratic or civil. None of them. Those who stood against this practice – like Fatima Jinnah – were insulted, disgraced and eliminated.
The new setup will also be a combo of current defaulters. And you will be sitting in front of your television justifying the new odds of the same old ducklings.
Enjoy the show. The casting is shitty but the content is captivating. You wake-up to something stupid everyday. What else you want in life? Democracy?
Clowns for Clowns
If you are supporting any political party right now – be it PTI, PPP, PMLN, PLMQ, MQM, JUF or TLP – you are more into submission than into conscientiousness.
His Highness is for civil supremacy; be it any form attained through parliamentary politics. Anti-establishment and anti-milbus. And none of these parties are up to this.
All these parties have changed their stances 180 degrees various times. Right now, they are all licking boots and vomiting in reverse and blaming each other for exactly the same thing.
They have no ideology except to come into power.
They have no manifesto.
They have nothing to offer except swapping faces.
They have nothing except overused ideas and slogans.
This is an embarrassing situation. It’s a lose-lose.
Whatever the outcome, public will be the loser. Including those dancing on roads and trucks at the moment.
Clowns for clowns.
All In One… Boot
Ok! We have seen so much and so many lickers since the beginning, but Shahbaz Sharif is defining a new low. Very low low.
Remember Faisal Vawda? He brought a boot in a TV show and placed it on the table. Like it’s the constitution. Which it is. Is it? It is. And that was perhaps the finest ever political demo. Truly.
But Shahbaz is another aura in himself. He kept licking even when his whole party was revolutionizing civil supremacy and vote ko izzat do. He remained calm and kept his tongue out.
And now everyone is Ok. No one is even uttering “selected” anymore. Frustration has taken them all by the balls. The giant balls of fear. Including Khan who is desperate to be selected again and is defining ‘neutral’ again and again everyday.
Zardari and his PPP are not even mumbling. Maryam is targeting Khan cleanly without ‘Faiz’ and ‘Bajwa’. And Nawaz, well, who cares for civil supremacy when you can see your ass back in the PM House?
Ali Wazir is in prison. Ok. No problem.
Baloch students are protesting in Islamabad for weeks. Ok. Who cares?
Missing people and mutilated dead-bodies. Ok. So?
Balochistan!
Military involvement in all civil departments!
DHAs and Cantts!
Ok. None of these matter anymore.
Everything is Ok. There’s no issue right now except government for opposition and opposition for government.
And the Chief Boy is lecturing us. He went to LUMS. Was candid. Could have been more candid in so many other places but Ok. He was even trying to be candid on 23rd March goosebumps’ day. Ok.
But lecturing? No! The boy has been ruling the country – yes – since 2016 and is looking for a 2nd extension; probably till 2025. Yet, he is cadidly lecturing the nation that people keep on bringing the same people in the parliament.
No. We don’t bring them.
And politically speaking, you are the only face intact since 2016. Infact, there have been only 4 Chiefs in the last 24 years. And only 10 since the Rise of Dhaka.
But ok. That’s not the point. The point is hypocrisy. This whole drama is not about Khan or Nawaz or Zardari. It’s all about the next Chief.
One more thing that isn’t ok is the religion card. The Prime Minister is playing with fire in a country which has burned for decades because the state used religion for vested interests. For wars. For Jihad. For politics. For political supremacy. Even the chief used the religion when he thought he could lose.
Yet religion pays here. With blood and bodies and funds and power. Because it is accepted the way preacher preaches. And preachers have their own games and agendas. There is one whole political party, with third highest votes in last General Elections, which flourishes on hate and discrimination based on relgion. Hate and discrimination based on relgion! How ironic!
Too broad. Yet too clear. To the point. Every dot is connected and whole serial at display is without any climax. Climax? Hasn’t it been too long already? Puppets in Islamabad and puppeteers in Pindi.
Your conscience, should you choose to accept it, … this message will self-destruct in five seconds. Don’t worry. You are too stupid to carry-on anyway.
The Pain in Expats’ Arse
The pain of expats is pretty hypocritical.
While looking for stable economies abroad, their hearts melt for a rocky economy at home.
While praying and voting for liberal democrats abroad, they hope for conservative rightists at home.
While offering prayers in mosques in west, they know nothing about state’s attitude towards minorities at home.
While moving in uncensored cultures abroad, they want blasphemy to prevail at home.
While trying to keep religion away from politics abroad, they look for religious references of politicians at home.
While opting for being a second class citizen abroad, they keep mentioning the intellect of first class citizens at home.
While they do everything to evade taxes abroad, they are disgruntled when people avoid taxes at home.
Ask them if they’ll come back to work home? Absolutely not. Their opinions don’t matter abroad, so they become opinionated for things at home for which they are not even stakeholders. Except for currency exchange rates which are pretty much in their favor.
Actually, it’s a confusion between home and abroad. Your abroad is your home and let the actual homies decide for their home. Not your home. Don’t cry your heart out when you ran away long time ago. You left this stage.
You can have an opinion for sure. But you cannot have an opinion for the masses who are actually living and suffering at home who you simply label with words.
It’s pretty much like the domestic affairs where kids who leave their old folks alone are more worried and concerned. The kid actually living with the parents suffer with the blames, physical efforts, worries, and daily errands; while the kids abroad make a video call and are done with their duties.
It’s easier to be a judgemental idiot. Stop poking your nose where you don’t matter.
Random Numbness (Feb 2022)
This world is a comedy of tragedies. And errors. Not precisely.
One of the blunders in our history was Liaquat Ali Khan’s visit to America in 1950. In a polarized world, he chose a pole instead of staying in the neutral zone.
And today, we are witnessing another blunder. Our PM is in Russia while Russia is in war mode in Ukraine. Red carpet and stuff like that are achievements for the incompetents in power, without an iota of sense in the message being given. The tour is being telecasted live through mobile phone videos by Gill as if he’s in a wedding function.
Just when Russia is invading Ukraine, there is one PM walking the red-carpet in Russia. Our PM. Our very own idiot. Shameless!
But who cares? When you are an idiot – and high – your blunders are miracles.
Yemen happened and is happening. Libya, Iraq, Afghanistan, Vietnam happened. Who cares? Powerful comes and conquers. Babar did. Salahuddin Ayubi did. Mehmud Ghaznawi did. Sultan Fatih did.
So did America. So did Russia. That’s not even the point. Point is one idiot sitting in the lap of the powerful when that powerful is poking a weak enemy with military might.
One need to be a ‘conscientious objector’ at the right time.
The idiot also offered live debate with India’s Modi some days back. How convenient is that? While gagging media in his own country through PECA, the PM is in the mood to have a live debate. Freedom here. Not there.
And what can Modi make out of this offer? After all, the two idiots will be live. Two blood hounds. Both in some superiority complex because of their religions. Both disregarding women and minorities. Both narcissists. Both dumbs ruling the dump side of the world.
And who will win? Who will decide? And how will we understand their fallacies? Both the countries won the wars they fought with each other. Who will decide the victories in future wars? Ugly ducklings! Ruling hungry, malnourished, stunted, illiterate and fanatic people on both sides of the border.
Heaven! The world is a heaven. If you are an idiot. Or high.
Sometimes His Highness wonders how these people get here? With so little sense and intellect, they achieve the apparent top order. There was Trump. And there are Bolsonaro, Boris, Modi, Imran and many other populists around who are absolutely stupid. They make senseless analogies and are always confident enough to sustain.
Anyway. PECA is here. We can’t talk, but we can. We can make analogies. After all, who is going to look after our words? Bureaucrats? Another dumb lot. Dumb people are dangerous but first, they are dumb. Tough to reach you.
PECA is going to gag things more. It’s not about the idiot PM but the duffer boys. Every now and then, there is a leak and a new General gets exposed. The recent one being General Akhtar Abdur Rahman. He dealt directly in the business of Jihad. Make mujahedeens. Get dollars. In cash. So, his generations – the two Akhtars in different political parties – may have fortune for decades to come. So, you must remain mute under PECA.
After all, what could you do about the island in Australia and Pizzas in America? Nothing. You cannot defeat those who have weapons and the whole narrative of religion under their arms. You mock. You get abducted. Like people get abducted. Here and there. More there.
PECA is draconian. It is needed where regimes are dictatorial and military based. Ours is a military dictatorship; so, it was the need of the hour.
PECA is meticulous. You can criticize but you cannot criticize. You can mock but you cannot mock. You can disagree but you cannot disagree. You can call them randy dogs but you cannot call them randy dogs.
Athar Minallah gave some fine comments on PECA and you should read them. Rest; Arif Alvi is a man of bills. Hundreds and hundreds of bills. And with an impotent opposition like the current one, there is no one to halt.
Anyhow.
Some weeks back, Iqrar ul Hassan was served with his own medicine. Well, he must have done something. “He must have done something; otherwise agencies don’t beat (or abduct or kill) people like that.” What are you getting at? That’s the typical sentence we slap on the face of all the missing and dumped ones. Must have done. Something.
And people die. Everyone dies. Noori died a couple of days back. He had a tombstone on his bed. He harassed someone. Then he evolved. And then he realized he didn’t harass her. Now she will be answerable to Noori’s kids.
Saari raat jaaga, jaga re…
Lagay dil mera, Haraam re…
Anyway.
Just remember, behind beautifully meaningful songs, are harassers sometimes. And you must think, what was she doing with Noori in the car’s backseat. “Must have done something”.
And then Rehman Malik died. Must have done…
The world has always been falling apart. Your world. His Highness’s world. And the world. It has always bled. Power, wars, religious wars and superiority, for some decades of rule, and that’s all. Most of your investments and returns won’t be utilized by you. Perhaps not even by your kids. But the current existence – the present time – matters; as you are comfortable in cozy beds, hot showers, and moving around in luxury vehicles. That really matters. That’s all that matters. Because we are mere consumers.
And after that, death matters. Death, we don’t know of. How? To where? Till when? No one knows. Tariq Jameel says that we will be served with alcohol and women. Sweet alcohol. Beautiful women. So many. Here and there. But for that, you need to follow these men in the business of religion. Nah!
Just like you followed the business of Jihad in the 80s. You let your sons die. And in the end, Generals’ sons enjoy. You have blood and some graves. They have blood-money. But they will die too.
Worry not. Ukraine will fall. And our idiot will be remembered for his walk on the bloody carpet.
After Murree
PM: What’s this new mess?
Fawad: I lost the count at 100,000. We were doing really great.
PM: 22 is the count idiot. And you?
Sheikh: I am an interior minister. That snow is not my concern.
PM: Trains were not your concern either. You broke the news, right?
Sheikh: Habitually.
PM: Okay, so what’s your take?
Sheikh: Had an omellete.
PM: Not in-take. Take on the matter?
Sheikh: I am interior…
PM: Enough of that crap! You are as much interior as Qureshi is exterior. You are more in the information ministry to stay alive. Now, tell me?
Sheikh: This happens everywhere. Just like train accidents. People die in the snow every winter. And people have died in the previous tenures of PMLN too.
PM: That’s thoughtful. Give me some empathy. I need to be empathetic.
Gill: A little empathy and people will blackmail you like they did last year with the dead bodies in Balochistan.
PM: True, Gill, but I need words to handle dead bodies. They don’t even decompose in the cold.
Fawad: Martyrdom. Give them shahadat. Badges of glorious death.
PM: But they went to enjoy the snow. They were tourists not fighters.
Gill: Remember the APS kids? They were also students in a school. Tags like shahadat and martyrdom keep the actual questions of security lapse in a cantonment away.
PM: Yes, people are stupid.
Fawad: And they died of their stupidity.
Sheikh: No disagreement.
Gill: Offer them martyrdom.
Shibli: In the name of Pakistan and tourism.
PM: That’s poetic, Shibli! Keep that up.
Fawad: I need to tweet. Tell me where we stand now!
PM: I will tweet. You all will retweet. Blame the previous regimes when you can’t handle anymore.
Gill: Noted sir.
PM: So, here it is: they laid their lives for the prosperous future of tourism in Pakistan. They are shaheeds. They sacrificed their present for our better future. When you were sleeping, they were…
Fawad: Don’t romanticize much. It wasn’t Kargil.
Sheikh: Can we call this collateral damage?
Shibli: It was neither a missed drone on a village nor a CTD action in Sahiwal.
PM: A verse again, Shibli. Keep that up.
Shibli: Thank you sir.
Gill: Unlike father, unliked son.
PM: Ok, this meeting is over. I need to snort… snore. I will tweet and you will retweet and let the administration do what they can do.
Gill: How long will we keep on answering for every death? I am tired of this. Balochistan, Karachi, Sahiwal, Sialkot, Islamabad, now this. Even rapes are somehow our responsibility. We need to come up with a solution for all the upcoming deaths and rapes.
Shibli: Like Deputy Commissioners on Twitter.
Fawad: Or like boys coming out as heroes in every tragedy, even when they are part of the tragedy.
Sheikh: Don’t cross the line Fawad. You sat in their lap, under the table, over the table and everywhere.
Fawad: And you Sheikh? You came out of the pit on your own?
Shibli: No need to fight. We have our arguments and we have dead bodies too.
PM: Again, poetic! But let’s end this. It’s too cold here.
Gill: Yes, let’s disagree in agreement. Let’s tweet and handle this on Twitter.
PM: Wait for my words on Twitter. And let me not be blackmailed.
Tweet: Tourists in Murree should have checked the weather. They should have gone for snowfall in the Summer when it’s easier. But, let’s pray for the martyred souls who have sacrificed their lives for a prosperous tourism future of Pakistan. They are shaheeds and shaheeds are always alive.