4 steps to greatness:
Pre-requisite: Tasbih. It’s handy.
Step 1: Make a story that West is against you and America has purchased traitors to oust your government.
Step 2: Sell it. Market it. Advertise it daily. Tell people your life is in danger too.
Step 3: Use Constitution to breach Constitution and dissolve the government. Do what America was trying to do. Oust yourself. Conquer your fear.
Step 4: Back to Step 2. Sell and market yourself. Daily. Take fake phone calls. Quote Medina, Islam, Hussain, Rumi, and whoever you know. Keep speaking.
Meanwhile –
Idiots before Step 3: West is trying to oust the government of Pakistan.
Idiots after Step 3: Khan has ousted the government himself. One ball, three wickets.
One.
Ball.
Dialogue –
Government: America tried to change the government of Pakistan.
Russia: Yes.
America: No.
China: What?
Sheikh Rasheed: What?
ISI: What is happening?
Mian Channu: Nothing. Keep recording tapes. Who with who for how long…
Gill: Randi!
Deputy Speaker: Article 5. All rise! All sit! Leave!
Opposition: Let’s play. Ayaz! Sit and make me the PM.
PM: A country, America, Oh! Haha! WTF! Not America! Yes, America!
Aurat March: Is he insane?
Shireen: See! Foreign powers are after me?
Idiots: [cheering with dance moves]
PM: You topple me? I topple myself.
Idiots: Check-mate! Kaptaan!
UK: What mate?
Fawad: Foreign powers. Foreign powers. Foreign powers.
America: You just did what we were supposed to do?
Qureshi: Raymond Davis!
[a creak among the woods of Margalla… hogs with wigs rising from slumber… and big bellies… Suo Moto]
Judge: You don’t wake us up on a lazy Sunday after a sneezy Saturday, where we match bellies and wigs with all the vulgarities of the capital. We need time…
Gill: Dallay!
Judge: What?
Gill: Oh! Allow me to explain linguistics at my home your honor!
Epilogue of Naya (Beta Version 2) –
I promised you new homes. 5 lac. 5 million. So, here I bring you my finest offer – ex-Chief Justice Gulzar of Pakistan – who took homes by cranes and the residents by trousers.
Gee Gulzar sb! Aik ghazal?
Welcome to Youthopia.
This is your home.
I know geography.
Category: Politics
Nothing Permanent & Nothing Personal
William Clay said, “This is quite a game, politics. There are no permanent enemies, and no permanent friends, only permanent interests.”
Don Vito Corleone said, “Keep your friends close, but enemies closer.”
Nicolo Machiavelli wrote a whole book ‘The Prince’ on this topic. This all is nothing personal, strictly business.
So, opponents of Khan must be rejoicing at the moment that he has taken a U-turn regarding Chaudhary. Same can be said for PMLN who are friends with PPP at the moment and vice versa. All these parties, including all their individual parliamentarians, have done something similar in past.
Changing parties.
Changing friends.
Changing enemies.
And it’s ok.
The thing is an ideology should be there to stand intact. And yes, our political parties and their men don’t have an ideology. A little difference in shade, and they are exactly the same. That’s the ugly problem.
Jinnah had an ideology. He was in Congress. Then he became ambassador of Hindu-Muslim Unity and stood with both Congress and Mulsim League. Then he bycotted both during Non-cooperation Movement. Then he stood with Muslim League for Muslim Representation in United India. And then, way down the line of history, he opted for Pakistan. Can you lable him with U-turns too? NO.
All this while he had AN IDEOLOGY. He had a VISION and he stood – with others or without others – for that ideology only. He even left politics of India and went to England because his ideology was in contrast to the political environment at home.
Sadly, we don’t have a single ideological leader today.
I – His Highness – will stand with anyone for civil supremacy, equal rights, democracy, and rule of law. I am anti-establishment and anti-milbus to the core. That’s all. For that, I will stand – or sit – with anyone down the road.
Now crossing the floor; which is also acceptable. Pretty much allowed by the constitution. Winston Churchill had also benefited from this practice. You cannot label it bad or good just because of your bias.
When Tareen was gathering these ducks in plane, it had a meaning for you. Today, it is disgraceful. No. It’s actually the same thing and only your bias is making it painful. Again, it’s pretty much constitutional. Change it, amend it, or bear it.
That’s pretty much it. Jokes apart, Khan didn’t do wrong in appointing Chaudhary as the next candidate for Punjab, because it’s politics. Chaudhary will remain a vomit nonetheless, who has been vomited in reverse by all the political parties.
U-turns have been taken by all. Khan just has to swallow a lot more because he speaks a lot and that’s because ‘speaking’ is his Unique Selling Point (USP). He called people to Islamabad for Trump Card and offered them nothing, yet crowd went home happily.
One sad thing though is Khan’s ego. He had a majority in both provincial assemblies of KPK and Punjab. And just to sit on PM’s seat in Federal, he is messing two giant provincial governments as well. His ego is one major reason that PTI is crubming in provinces.
Lastly – really – these are puppets without an ideology or a vision. A new combo is made by military after every decade, which is a mixture of different combos, to fight the previous combo, for interests of military business.
Bhutto came through the door of Ayub. Nawaz and MQM through Zia. Chaudries through Musharraf. And Khan through Pasha and Faiz. None of these combinations were democratic or civil. None of them. Those who stood against this practice – like Fatima Jinnah – were insulted, disgraced and eliminated.
The new setup will also be a combo of current defaulters. And you will be sitting in front of your television justifying the new odds of the same old ducklings.
Enjoy the show. The casting is shitty but the content is captivating. You wake-up to something stupid everyday. What else you want in life? Democracy?
Clowns for Clowns
If you are supporting any political party right now – be it PTI, PPP, PMLN, PLMQ, MQM, JUF or TLP – you are more into submission than into conscientiousness.
His Highness is for civil supremacy; be it any form attained through parliamentary politics. Anti-establishment and anti-milbus. And none of these parties are up to this.
All these parties have changed their stances 180 degrees various times. Right now, they are all licking boots and vomiting in reverse and blaming each other for exactly the same thing.
They have no ideology except to come into power.
They have no manifesto.
They have nothing to offer except swapping faces.
They have nothing except overused ideas and slogans.
This is an embarrassing situation. It’s a lose-lose.
Whatever the outcome, public will be the loser. Including those dancing on roads and trucks at the moment.
Clowns for clowns.
All In One… Boot
Ok! We have seen so much and so many lickers since the beginning, but Shahbaz Sharif is defining a new low. Very low low.
Remember Faisal Vawda? He brought a boot in a TV show and placed it on the table. Like it’s the constitution. Which it is. Is it? It is. And that was perhaps the finest ever political demo. Truly.
But Shahbaz is another aura in himself. He kept licking even when his whole party was revolutionizing civil supremacy and vote ko izzat do. He remained calm and kept his tongue out.
And now everyone is Ok. No one is even uttering “selected” anymore. Frustration has taken them all by the balls. The giant balls of fear. Including Khan who is desperate to be selected again and is defining ‘neutral’ again and again everyday.
Zardari and his PPP are not even mumbling. Maryam is targeting Khan cleanly without ‘Faiz’ and ‘Bajwa’. And Nawaz, well, who cares for civil supremacy when you can see your ass back in the PM House?
Ali Wazir is in prison. Ok. No problem.
Baloch students are protesting in Islamabad for weeks. Ok. Who cares?
Missing people and mutilated dead-bodies. Ok. So?
Balochistan!
Military involvement in all civil departments!
DHAs and Cantts!
Ok. None of these matter anymore.
Everything is Ok. There’s no issue right now except government for opposition and opposition for government.
And the Chief Boy is lecturing us. He went to LUMS. Was candid. Could have been more candid in so many other places but Ok. He was even trying to be candid on 23rd March goosebumps’ day. Ok.
But lecturing? No! The boy has been ruling the country – yes – since 2016 and is looking for a 2nd extension; probably till 2025. Yet, he is cadidly lecturing the nation that people keep on bringing the same people in the parliament.
No. We don’t bring them.
And politically speaking, you are the only face intact since 2016. Infact, there have been only 4 Chiefs in the last 24 years. And only 10 since the Rise of Dhaka.
But ok. That’s not the point. The point is hypocrisy. This whole drama is not about Khan or Nawaz or Zardari. It’s all about the next Chief.
One more thing that isn’t ok is the religion card. The Prime Minister is playing with fire in a country which has burned for decades because the state used religion for vested interests. For wars. For Jihad. For politics. For political supremacy. Even the chief used the religion when he thought he could lose.
Yet religion pays here. With blood and bodies and funds and power. Because it is accepted the way preacher preaches. And preachers have their own games and agendas. There is one whole political party, with third highest votes in last General Elections, which flourishes on hate and discrimination based on relgion. Hate and discrimination based on relgion! How ironic!
Too broad. Yet too clear. To the point. Every dot is connected and whole serial at display is without any climax. Climax? Hasn’t it been too long already? Puppets in Islamabad and puppeteers in Pindi.
Your conscience, should you choose to accept it, … this message will self-destruct in five seconds. Don’t worry. You are too stupid to carry-on anyway.
Veena! You are dismissed
How embarrassing, Veena! You always prepare for viva even when you know you have cheated the exams. That’s an unsaid rule.
Just because of your interview with Badami, the 5th Generation Warfare is in danger. The whole marketing campaign is down. Funds are wasted.
After exposing deep cleavage in India, you have exposed the deep state in Pakistan. This is deep shit!
This ain’t a tattoo you can remove. This is not front cover of FHM. This is Twitter. This is our warzone.
Now, in order to keep the legacy intact, and in the name of patriotism, and survival of the nation from uninformed and un-uniformed bloody civilians, and Indians, and Afghans, and the dolphins in the Arabian Sea; you are hereby dismissed from the services.
Till further orders from the incompetent authority.
Veena! On a personal note, see the current state machinery closely. Fawad Chaudhary comes and dismisses Sheikh Rasheed. Sheikh Rasheed comes with a different press conference. Then both tells a completely different story. Then they correlate. Then they make a new story.
And when they can’t handle it anymore, they put it on India. Simple. Switch hit it is. Why couldn’t you do that?
You didn’t know Azmat Saeed? Take a break and Google. Start coughing when you don’t know. Fall. Pretend a stroke. Play it like you played it in Big Boss.
No wonder you were dismissed from there too.
It’s not about position. Not about enjoyment. Because it’s not a position. It’s a narrative. You don’t enjoy it as long as you want to. You keep it inside forever.
The New Disorder
Random Numbness (April 2021)
Welcome. It’s been a while since numbness; so this will be a long one. Fasten your seatbelts and brace for impact.
The PM was on TV a few days ago. Uttering crap and bickering like usual. Selling religion, as it sells. But then he went farther and talked about rape, parda, fahashi, and stuff. Don’t want to go in details as you must have heard and digested that already. Some of you must have agreed with him as well.
Don’t want to get personal with him, and won’t; but this man is the finest hypocrite we have ever produced. The finest. He can bend in any direction for his selfish reasons.
Right now, he is not even a PM but he is having the media time, PM house, and other benefits of the PM. That is all that he has wanted for 22 years. 22 years he sold something and in the end was purchased by those who were the ugliest in his (earlier) view.
Ugly man to sit on top. Loves lecturing. A tasbeeh in hand. Pictures of offering Namaz. Talking about state of Medina. And that’s all that he has to offer.
What he said about rape and temptation was his ugly side of consciousness. I bet he doesn’t believe it himself because this is not the way he lived and this is not the way his kids are living.
Kids – both genders – are not safe here. Kids under the age of 5 are raped and murdered routinely here. Graves are not safe. Dead bodies are not safe. How come parda as an argument? Temptation?
What we need is a complete re-hauling of our education system. We need to teach sex education with evolutionary syllabus which will offer different content to students of different age groups. We need actual history to be part of the curriculum; where we need to accept our mistakes. We need curriculum on inter-faith harmony to make this land more feasible to live for humans.
Anyway. No one can talk sense here except the senseless men.
Do you know how much the establishment of a hospital costs? A state-of-the-art – well equipped –public hospital of 200-beds costs around Rs.4-5 billion. That’s the same amount which was wasted on a parade of 23rd March. On 25th March. The day was 24th March.
And it wasn’t a defense day. Anyway. It was a Republic day. But then the constitution was torn out and Ayub happened who undid Fatima Jinnah.
Too fast for historical duffers.
And that was all intentional, but my description is numb – under anesthesia – and is unintentional.
The other day, National Assembly – Patriotic Assembly – approved a bill against ‘intentional’ disrespect of forces. Intentional. Like PM’s temptations.
Do you know when such bills are needed? When you are pathetic to the core. Now tell me, what can we talk about? Cement? Cereals? Serials? Songs? Movies? DHAs? Construction? Logistics? Textiles? Sugar? Fertilizers? Housing schemes? Parade? War? Missing people? Not missing people? Half buried people?
You can talk unintentionally only. Mumble. Act as if you have dozed off and are talking sense while not in senses. Like a Guy Ritchie character where you are absolutely unnecessary.
And what about those who lick all day?
I have a friend – in disguise – who defends the government and its selectors like a rotten soul. Shouldn’t he get some award? Like Tariq Jamil and Mehwish Hayat were awarded – though for opposite reasons? I wish my friend gets some award.
Medal of honor se yaad aya that SSP Jawad Qamir got Sitara-e-Shujaat for his work. He killed a family after all. Remember Sahiwal massacre? Yes, that guy was awarded too. This is approval of state terrorism. Just when you think this stage can not fall further, it does. Next year, they may award Rao Anwar for good use of bullets and Ehsan Ullah Ehsan for his escape. Who knows?
And Ali Zafar was awarded too. He is, till now, accused in a sexual harassment case. His award should have been deferred at least. But we have this mockery of stuff. We have awarded those who didn’t deserve it. Hamayun Saeed got it too. Why not my friend?
By the way, POTUS did wrong. They invited 40 PMs and ignored ours who did the billion tree – bullion tree – tsunami bluff. Maybe they do some research. Like satellite images and comparative data. Cacophony though. PM and I, both were not happy with that.
We need investment of Rs.1 billion for marketing of 1 billion trees. That’s the plan now.
And the mockery doesn’t end here. PM approves a thing as a PM and then rejects it as someone else. Then he asks himself and talks to himself and then comes up with a final decision. But one thing is there. Kashmir is discarded. Militarily and officially.
Now remember you standing in the sun after Jumma prayer for the sake of Kashmir. Remember those days? It never was about you or Kashmir.
Kashmir is a business.
A cash cow.
Cash for Pakistan.
Cow for India.
A little about PDM.
It has fallen from grace. They stood for something which is the root-cause of all the problems in Pakistan. They took pizza by the name and threw it off the shelves. They stood tall against threats. But then, PPP stepped back. PPP has always done that since the murder of Z. A. Bhutto. The legacy it has, since 1988, is of a sell-out. They sold Karachi to Rangers and made it a perpetual burning hell – where generals like Naseerullah Babar and SSPs like Rao Anwar – went on killing sprees without a show-cause.
A day will come when tables will turn. See, PPP is in the lap now. Like PTI is. Like PML-N was. Like PML-Q always is. So, tables will turn. Though the lap will remain the same. And all the current NAB and FIA cases will be closed, and new ones will open.
The day Imran Khan will take a stand – the same stand he had for decades till he sold himself out – will be the day he is taken to the courts. He will be taken for his foreign funds, BRT, tsunami, and every single blunder he has made. Dozens of cases are ready to make his life miserable, if he will take a stand. So, he won’t. But he may.
No one knows what comes to mind and what is uttered after a snort.
So, the lap is the same and it’s all about the lap and lap dance.
Have you seen an actual lap dance, by the way? I have. Once. That too in Dam Square of Amsterdam.
Next time, His Highness intends to ask the dancer to come in uniform and dance on my lap. And history will witness His Highness, as the first one who will change the lap.
Official Soliloquy
Police Brutality & State Terrorism
Police brutality and Rangers’ violence in Karachi: Ignored.
State brutality and killing of students and young men in Balochistan: Ignored.
FC brutality in the whole western belt: Ignored.
State criminals of Sahiwal incident: Pardoned.
444 encounters in Sindh: Hushed.
Now police brutality in Federal. Islamabad. A young man killed mercilessly. Because system allowed this. State allowed this. Gaps allowed this.
17 bullets.
So, incidents happen. Young die. Old gets older and get promotion after promotion for their violent loyalties.
Don’t mind but APS happened because…
Don’t mind. Don’t mind. You can’t. Anyway.
This land, is a windmill of martyrs. We make and sell martyrs. Sometimes individually and sometimes in bulk. Here and there and everywhere. We know how to snooze. We know how to stay numb and dumb. And we are addicted to tears of mothers. Nothing shakes us anymore.
Till next episode, buzz off!
Happy Old Year Marla!
It was tough to find bank details and transactions of 1990s regarding Asghar Khan case. But it was easy to find details of money laundering, corruption, transport rent, breakfast bills and movie tickets from 1970s and 1980s.
It was easier to get humiliated, defeated and dissected than to talk and accept the East.
It was tough to investigate Benazir murder case. But it was easy to hang Bhutto on a controversial murder case.
It was easy to clean the crime scene in Rawalpindi, and easier to blame all gagged puppets who followed.
It’s easy to call back the absconder in London than the absconder in Dubai.
It’s easy to kill traitors here and there, around the rivers; but it’s tough to keep the actual terrorists in custody.
It’s easy to encounter 444 than to call the one in the Supreme Court.
It’s easy to impose, kill, loot and settle abroad; than to get raped to settle abroad.
It’s easy to challenge expatriates to come back to get murdered than agree to disagree.
It’s easy to abduct, kill and dump them than to give them equal civil rights.
It’s easier to shot, burn, and kill than actual blasphemy. Blasphemy for the sake of blasphemy.
It’s easier to censor and label than to listen.
It’s easier to burn a temple than to protect one.
It’s easier to be an apologist and status quo asshole, than to shake conscious alone.
It’s easier to sleep corrected than to stand corrected.
A little politics. A little religion. An ultimate combination. Some cocaine. Some threat. All done.
The vicious cycle of imposed-democracy is here again. Again? You may debate this and that, with ifs and buts, and blame the puppets here and there; without understanding the root-cause.
It’s 2021. Same like 1990s! A little ‘naya’ and a little reformed. With a new joker as a scapegoat.
Anyway. Happy Old Year Marla!