Slim Shady

May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?

Those who brought Buzdar, brought Maryam.
The hen that laid these two eggs is the same.
Do we agree on that?

Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?
I repeat, will the real Slim Shady please stand up?

One was an idiot and avoided the public display of being an arse;
The other is an idiot in love of public display of being an arse.

We’re gonna have a problem here..

The one better than the other or the other being better from the one is a debate too mind boggling and subterranean.

Guess there’s a Slim Shady in all of us,
Fuck it, let’s all stand up.

A Democratic Footnote – Pakistan

With all the disagreements and criticisms you have with AIML or Jinnah – some valid – there is one core aspect of history that we forget and miss out conveniently.

Yes, I know about Lahore Resolution of 1940 and how it was ‘states’ and not ‘state’ and the word ‘Pakistan’ wasn’t even mentioned in the speech, and how the one who presented it, was discarded afterwards. Yes, I know.

But even then, you must remember and acknowledge that Pakistan is one of the rare countries in the world that was born democratically.

It was the provincial elections of 1946 that paved the way for Pakistan. Congress won 923 seats; AIML 425. Bengal, Punjab and Sindh made a clear, categorical case for Pakistan – as that was AIML’s manifesto. After elections, nothing could stop the country from emerging on the world map.

A country literally born from the ballot, not the bullet.

Before 1946, there were the 1937 elections, where AIML lost badly. It was only a blunder by Congress in 1939 when it resigned from ministries and Jinnah took over the moment to campaign in a different direction to eventually seal Independence.

Ah, a side note: remember who else did a similar blunder like Congress? Yes. Those who never read and learn from history. PTI in 2023 – resigning from Punjab and KP assemblies. Never miss history and never miss a chance to point out historical idiots. You may sound cool, look good, but a fool remains a fool.

Anyway. This country, this land – with all the misery its own children have bestowed upon it, is a land of democratic mystery. It wasn’t born out of war. Or a military conquest. Or even a revolution.

It was an evolution. It was a democratically won independent country.

Ironically, since its democratic birth, it hasn’t seen democracy. Only boots, barracks, barrel, and guns. Blood, violence, dead bodies, and coffins.

Yet, its DNA remains democratic. And it shall snatch that back someday. Democratically. Or not so democratically.  

Conversation with Jinnah

You: May your soul rest in peace, sir.

Jinnah: It won’t.

You: Sir?

Jinnah: You people have failed the dream.

You: Yes, we have.

Jinnah: This country was not made to experiment with radicalism, be it religious or non-religious. It was not made to experiment with different forms of dictatorships and martial laws. I told you categorically that it would be a democracy. A state of the people, by the people, for the people – under complete civil order.

You: Yes sir.

Jinnah: Look what you have made? A mess. Everyone is enforcing on everyone else. Through guns, powder and power – without reason. We got this Pakistan on table with reasoning. Just dialects. Not force or war or battle. What’s this nonsense going around now? Killing and forcing your own fellow Pakistanis? Everyone in the pecking order spitting the one below him.

You: I have no answer sir.

Jinnah: You are the answer.

You: I am not. I am just a speck. I see hopelessness. When your sister couldn’t do it, none of us can.

Jinnah: Yes, you can. Together.

You: There is no we sir.

Jinnah: Then organize.

You: How?

Jinnah: By words. By dialects. By convincing. Not by force but by awareness through reasoning and dialogues. It will take decades; but every decade will be better than the previous one and it will not be like now where you are all living in a constant state of disgust, misery, and fear. Fatima was too old and too tired for military and its guns.

You: I agree sir. But she had a base. Here we are scattered and divided. People are abducted and killed. Others don’t even feel the pain until their own doors are knocked and knocked down.

Jinnah: Initiate struggle.

You: How can I struggle when I don’t see hope?

Jinnah: Imagine, write, convey, and convince. Hope will show a path. Paddle, and you will swim towards the shore.

You: I will drown like all others.

Jinnah: No, you will not drown before raising a generation to rise further but this will take time. Forty years for the Prophet to receive the first call – Iqra, ‘Read’. Twenty-three years for the Quran to be revealed – Walyatalattaf, ‘Handle with kindness and deliberation’. Forty years for Moses and his people to wander in the desert. About two decades for Christ to work in obscurity before his divine mission. Fourteen years for Rama’s exile in the Ramayana. Even Beethoven’s Ninth took over thirty years and Taj Mahal twenty-two. Just begin. It took me from 1906 to 1940 to conclude that a separate homeland was the solution, not separate electorates. When I saw hopelessness in one path, I found another: Pakistan. I know there are ifs and buts even in the way this country was conceived and in my own actions. Fine. Speak of that too. Criticize me. Question all your elders. Then reach a consensus of disagreements. Bury us and write your own constitution.

You: I am sorry sir.

Jinnah: No, don’t be. Just take the first step. Begin.

You: Will it be worth a struggle?

Jinnah: Absolutely.

You: Will you witness that?

Jinnah: [He smirks, turns to the round table where over a hundred sit smiling] Why not?

Allama Bureaucrat Iqbal

Now Sialkot would be known for two Muhammad Iqbals – one who saw a dream, and the other who lived it – at least for some time.

One single ADC(R) of Sialkot – a bureaucrat – has done corruption worth millions of rupees. There were alleged foreign tours. Commercial and other properties. Land Cruiser. Rolex, unlike James Bond. Millions in cash.

He’s been taken. On trial now. Let’s see how innocent he comes out of the judicial brothel.

Now that’s just one bastard in the hierarchy.

Imagine all of them. In provincial and federal offices. Count each and every one among all their ‘superior’ groups in the entirety of the hierarchy of bastards. And you may be able to count how much they rake in through corruption.

Pakistan can get rid of all the foreign loans if they can take back from what the bureaucracy takes out from the system. We don’t even need to talk about Swiss accounts or offshore companies or some pizzas.

Remember: they are nurtured by the state. Like a mother nurturing her child from an extramarital… oh! Please, let me write straight…

They get free cars, homes, electricity, servants, petrol, etc. Then they get more from the department they’re posted in. Then they have subsidized education for their kids and free one for themselves – usually Masters in Public Policy from international universities – another waste of millions – because it brings nothing home, and doesn’t even count as corruption.

After all this, they get salaries. Which is basically the pocket money as everything else is already paid for by the state. Comparing their salary with someone, even a CEO of some company, is a gross miscalculation and injustice.

Let me give you an example. A Deputy Secretary I know of. Did CSS. Entered PAS. Now in a provincial department as a DS. Can’t wake up early. Comes to office after 1 PM – right at lunchtime, catered by another wing of the Department. After that he sits and roams and meets friends. Signs a couple of files upwards or downwards. Send 2-4 messages on WhatsApp in a week. Hasn’t opened his laptop for work in the last year. Rarely attends a meeting. And managed to have a couple of foreign tours already. Sexy.

For doing all this service, he gets all that is mentioned above. If you calculate all that is spent on him by the state in a month, it would be over Rs.2 million. And what does he give back? Middle-finger!

Mind you, we haven’t counted under the table deals here. Not even a mango crate’s worth. Otherwise, even after everything they get from the state for passing a test, they’ve got pig bellies, and they want more. So, they take whatever comes their way. They don’t even leave orphans and widows.

Other than all this, if you get to know how they exploit women sexually based on their official powers and seat, you will get to know a lot of them are manipulative predators. Not all. But definitely a lot. Because the seat they put their arse on, can do some wonders. Not them. The seat.

Anyway, that one arrest in Sialkot is the tip of the iceberg. It will be covered. And cooled down. Because these incompetents are still running the show. They will let the system keep on moving like that as they have been doing since the British Raj.

A month back, the Prime Minister Office published an advertisement to hire Federal Secretaries from private sector. Even the worst form of the government is tired of these bureaucrats – because they don’t know a damn thing. They keep on misguiding the governments to run on outdated ideas and processes. That advertisement jolted the bureaucrats, and they resisted – panicked, even.

Anyway, even Federal Secretaries from private sector cannot do miracles. Because there will be a complete hierarchy of bureaucrats below them who will not let them win.

And that is why no single man / woman can take this country out of the mess – until both civil and uncivil establishments are taken by balls. One needs to be removed, the other, to be screwed.