Random Numbness (June 2020)

Mere Pakistanio! We don’t have a simple plan. We have business plan. Plans. Locust is business too. Boys are on it and I trust them. At least with revenues.
I came to know that Ehsan Ullah is not in Turkey but in Islamabad. You don’t need to worry. He’s in safe hands. Like Rao Anwar. But you are pissed off. Right? So?
Quaid-e-Azam said, “You are free; you are free to go to your parks. You are free to go to your malls or to any other places of contracting the virus in this state of Pakistan. You may belong to any religion, caste or creed – that has nothing to do with the business of the state.”
How can I go against Quaid’s plan? How can I go against ‘business of the state’? You need to understand that.
With so many economic challenges around the world, I came with a plan. For poor and needy people. Catch locust and sell it for Rs.15/kg. This is the same rate of land acquisitions for DHA and Bahria and Fazaia.
Fazaia se yaad aya Faiza beauty cream is racist. And it doesn’t even work.
Doctors are crying. Complaining as usual. For PPEs and stuff. Such a shame that we have these unpatriotic doctors with no sense of nationalism. I don’t even consider them front-line warriors. In fact, I don’t consider them at all. They don’t even exist for me.
Who would have asked for this and that in war time? Pathetic!
When we sent PPEs to USA, they cried even more. No empathy. No sympathy.
Meanwhile, have you seen the audacity of Bangladesh? The little kids sent us medicine. Well, I don’t consider it a good gesture. These-crying-little-victims-of-1971 have nothing to offer us except blames. Look at them at what they have lost. They would have been celebrating May 28th a few days back but they chose medicine overall missiles.
Mere dumb Pakistanio! I know we are waiting for two things at the moment. Next episode of Ertugrul and the vaccine. Well, Ertugrul will be on time. For vaccine, these lazy scientists have to find something yet. And even if they will, what guarantees success?
Polio has a vaccine.
And we have polio.
You getting the point na?
See what’s happening in the US. The police brutality has taken a toll over blacks. At least we are not facing this issue. Blacks are safe here. Also, we never let people out in masses. Our security forces are always ready to cover the dark state. I would ask Trump to get a hold of himself and impose martial law. Immediately.
And look at Rome, Tokyo, Madrid, New York, London, Delhi, Red Light Areas of Amsterdam. Apart from perpetrators, there is nothing to be seen. And here, in Pakistan – let me be precise – even Heera Mandi is fully operational and treating the visitors like usual.
Mere Pakistanio!
Ap ne ghabrana nahi hai. Boys and I are on everything. Home Department, AG, IG, CPEC, Information, PIA, WAPDA, NDMA, PTV, CAA, Anti-Narco, FPSC, PDMA, PM Housing Authority, SUPARCO, POF and various other departments and authorities are now disciplined.
With goose-step every morning, all are attentive and uniformed departments. You cannot believe, but no other democratic government ever achieved this.
You voted us. No you didn’t. But yes you did. After all, Hitler was elected too. Ha ha! That was humor.
Let me end this with Iqbal’s couplet;
Subh-e-azal yeh mujh se kaha General nay
Jo aqal ka ghulam ho, wo dil na qabool ker

Wanna-Be Warriors against Covid-19

Two Black Hawk Helicopters took flight from Jalalabad (Afghanistan). Reached Abottabad. Executed a brutal operation for around 40 minutes. And flew back to Afghanistan.

Those who couldn’t detect that, are spying on Covid-19 suspects. Imagine the irony.

Let’s look at it another way. Let’s ‘assume’ they knew about the operation. And were part of the plan: to feel without moaning. And they did as were told.

But doesn’t the second case make it even more deplorable?

No. Let’s take the first-case. And behave! They didn’t know.

But irony sustains.

I remember when a judge inquired ‘them’ about a guy who was abducted for weeks without a proper trial. And they said that they were unable to unlock the laptop.

Irony. Sustains.

And Ehsan Ullah Ehsan. Those who were ‘unable’ to keep an ugly terrorist in custody, are trying to portray as frontline warriors against a pandemic. Or maybe, the ‘escape’ was… Behave!

Such irony.

Pimps. Sold Jihad. Sold religion. Sold people. Sold blood. Sold narrative. Sold every single thing they could sell.

Even our history is ironic. For example in 71, majority got tired of minority and decided to separate ways. Let me rephrase. Majority. Got tired. Of minority. And founded another country.


A question: Why duffers are always referred as ‘intelligence’?

The virus had at least taught the world who the actual frontline warriors are. The doctors. Not the duffers.

All they want is to portray themselves alongside the doctors. All they want is to keep the stage. To be relevant. To be the frontline warriors. However, they have always been the backstage dealers.

Anyway. With all the precautionary paradoxes and the PM and his team and Tariq Jameel and his tears and the intelligence and all the puppets of the uniform disguising a civil rule… we don’t need to panic.

Covid-19 is in safe hands.

An Ideal Time

Have you thought at what time in history – present actually – this virus has spread throughout the world? Well, at an ideal time.

The vaccine isn’t here yet. It will take time. Best case: summer 2021. So, you have to wait.

You always cried for family time, right? So here it is!
Fasten your seatbelt. Because you aren’t going anywhere. And you won’t be able to. By the time it ends, you will have eaten up the loads of stored food and your belly would be swollen and your knees won’t be able to bear a hippo, you big fat f…


When a virus attacks, your body fights. This earth – motherland – was consistently being attacked by us, so it has retaliated. Perhaps it’s my illusionary-pessimistic-self talking. But anyway, considering your family life constant, it feels good. Doesn’t it?

When the patient starts to recover, it feels good. The mother earth is recovering. AQI index of ugliest cities are at par with cleanest cities around the world. The air we are breathing now wasn’t available for over two decades.

Petrol consumption is at its lowest. As is water consumption due to closed industries.

Other than that, crime rate has plummeted globally. How many kids have been saved from potential rape and murder incidents?

There is no war at the moment. Unbelievable, isn’t it?

All the missiles and tanks and jets are waiting for another man-made crisis. But this isn’t a man-made crisis. They aren’t needed now. They’ll be needed when duffers will reign again. And they will. Because insects are immune to…

You know this was – is – the ideal time for a novel epidemic. This is the only planet we own and look what we did to her.

We filled the waters with plastics and crude products. And dead bodies. Millions of dead bodies who became homeless in their homes and drowned while trying to find another home. Finding Neverland.

We even threw Luca Brasi and Bin Laden into the waters.

We destroyed the jungles. We established industries for mass consumption – including animals. We made leather from snakes and crocodiles.

We advertised brands made by hungry hands. We gave them enough to be steady but not enough to stand. We treated those hands in Africa and Asia as cows of dairy industry.

Class. Creed. Sect. Race. Religion. Nationality. We compartmentalized all the lower classes.

Meanwhile, the elite remained classless. Sitting in luxury offices finalizing bail-out packages for people wining and dining in yachts and mansions. Classless. People of the mosque, temple and church; all equal in the eyes of wealth.

Karl Marx said religion is an anti-depressant for struggling class. And he said it was necessary. Anti-depressants are necessary. Aren’t they?

So the virus is here. It was needed. It was time. Every era has to end.

Kingdoms ended. Colonialism perished. Fascism and totalitarianism jolted the world in world wars but were ceased after millions died. An era of liberalism emerged. The liberal half of the world saw its epitome of research and development in those years. While the other half kept on suffering at the hands of conservatism and religion-based politics. Then came the new wars. Wars based on information to target people and regions precisely.

It started with Iraq. Entered Afghanistan. Splashed countries like Libya, Syria and Yemen. Pimps suffered too: Pakistan lost its strategic position and Saudia lost its regional control. China initiated a surveillance war on Uighur. Burma did ethnic cleansing boldly, that too under a Noble Peace Laureate. India committed crimes legally, by passing vicious laws. Boris, Modi, Trump, Bolsonaro, Khan. Do you see there is something common all across the political world?


Say what the crowd wants to hear.
Do what the crowd wants done.
Be it stupid. Be it cruel.

So, the virus came. It was long due.

Ah! I knew you would say that. ‘People will be jobless’. ‘There will be shortage of food’. ‘People will die’. ‘Blah blah’.

Yes. But, no.

That was all happening before. People were jobless before. There was shortage of food before. People died before. You just ignored all of it.

The only difference is, you will be jobless this time. You will face shortage of food. You will die.

But God forbid. Let’s hope for the best. We all need an anti-depressant.

Let me tell you, a new era is going to begin. Populism will go down organically. The generations eye-witnessing the current scenario, will not be conservative or orthodox as before. Countries will re-prioritize their future budgets. Science will have its due share as will healthcare. Religion will become a personal matter – as it should be – for some time to come.

And war. These tanks and missiles and jets. These decorated soldiers and their synchronized parades for emotional wellbeing of the crowd.

Well, behave yourself.