Kingdom of Heaven (movie)

‘By the word “religion” I’ve seen lunacy of fanatics of every denomination be called the will of God. I’ve seen too much religion in the eyes of too many murderers. Holiness is in right action and courage on behalf of those who cannot defend themselves.’

These are words from the movie ‘Kingdom of Heaven’ (2005) with an enormous cast including Liam Neeson, Orlando Bloom, Eva Green, Michael Sheen, and others.

Kingdom of Heaven can be called as one of the most balanced movies on the topic of Jerusalem. The movie starts in 1184. That was the time when Christian rule of Jerusalem (1099 to 1187) was near its end. Saladin was to conquer the Kingdom of Heaven – Jerusalem – in 1187; after that it would remain with Muslims till World War I when British would finally took control over it.

Jerusalem. Can be called a holy land. Or a cursed land. Depends on your lens and bias. Prophet David (Daud AS) was the first major figure of the city. Then his son King Solomon (Suleman AS) ruled the land who had powers to control spirits. He built the First Temple of Jerusalem. In later events of the history, Christ (Esa AS) was murdered – or resurrected – in this city of Jerusalem.

And how many were murdered – or martyred – in Crusades? Who knows? The land is still not fertile.

Long story short, certain empires came and ruled. With the change in religion of Emperor Constantine of the Byzantine Empire, Jerusalem became more Christian from Jewish from 4th to 7th century. That Christian rule of Jerusalem was ended by conquest of the Caliph Umar RA in 637. Some centuries later, Sultan Mehmed Fateh would conquer Constantinople in 1453 that would bring the end of Byzantine Empire.

Well, that was not the story of the movie. I deviated. No apologies. Just wanted to recommend this movie. Have watched it twice before and every time it’s a treat with beautiful OST. There’s a scene in the movie which goes as follows:

Balian: What is Jerusalem worth?

Saladin: Nothing. [walks away and turns]

Saladin: Everything!

Movie: Kingdom of Heaven (2005)

IMDB rating: 7.3/10. Mine: 9/10.

Society of the Snow (movie)

Didn’t get any such idea after ‘Alive’ but after ‘Society of the Snow’ I can tell how a similar incident shall unfold in future.

For instance, the plane has crashed in an isolated nowhere and some are dead and some are alive. After eating the chocolates and whatever was on the plane, they will instantly turn into cannibalism. Why? Because at least one of them have seen the movie.

Consider, half of the survivors have seen the movie.

I know how to survive.
We need to eat the dead ones. Otherwise we all will die.
That’s insane.
No it’s not. I’ve seen a movie of a similar plane crash. Some of them waited and died for no reason.
Yeah, yeah, I’ve seen that movie too.
I’ve heard about it.
Yes, let’s do the needful.

That’s it. With a clean conscience. In fact, they will cook and make better food with the available ingredients. Roasted meat. Kebabs if possible. Kapooray.

There will be a couple of vegetarians with dilemmas to fight with.

But then the second tragedy will arrive. The dead ones have been eaten and no one came to rescue and the survivors have no food to survive further. Because they didn’t wait for a week or so without food. They didn’t eat just to survive but to keep their skin and looks intact.

Only then will the struggle, the plan, not to wait for the rescue teams but to reach out will occur.

And this would be too late because there is no food to travel with. All the dead ones have been eaten. The alive ones will be dead soon.

Later on, after months, someone will discover them. The dead bodies and the bones. With smartphones around, pictures and videos would be recovered. Lots of selfies. Filtered pictures. Pouts. And stuff to be uploaded on TikTok and Insta afterwards. Just in case. Would gather millions of followers.

That would be the society of future similar incidents. Perks of being informed. Perks of Netflix. And perks of social media cravings.

Animal (movie)

Forgive me father! I have sinned. I have seen the “Animal”.

But a little clarification before further judgments to be passed:

Those who know, know that I try not to miss movies about father and daughter. Divorces too. I have seen a lot in this genre and the last big one was “The Whale” where one scene is still stuck with me, “I need to know that I have done one thing right with my life!”. Other movies include Kramer vs. Kramer. A Separation. Te3n. The Son. Madaari. Gifted. Mrs. Chatterjee. And so many more.

I went to see the movie “Hi Nanna” also called “Hi Papa” on Netflix. But instead, I sinned. Another father movie but…

Are you with me with my lame excuses? Good.

Let’s give “Animal” 1 out of 10. Why 1? Because they had a dialogue of Al-Pacino from The Godfather, “If anything in this life is certain, if history has taught us anything, it is that you can kill anyone”. Obviously in Hindi but ok.

Other than that, what was it? How to make a John Wick movie in Bollywood?

Bollywood is family stuff, so add family. Papa on top.

For guns and guns and guns, add wealth. Make the family ultra rich. Bring hundreds of men so that John can kill them at will.

Not enough? Add male chauvinism. Add anger and alpha male sperms in the entire film.

Script? Not needed. It will be a hit in a region where men are so insecure that they feed their ‘desires’ with actions like that. Now, how many men would try to be such losers after watching this for a week or so?

But still, the script? Add underwear. Add threesome. Slaps. Lots of slaps. Car bomb scene – again, Godfather; Michael Corleone in Italy with his second wife. Bombed.

What do we have so far? John Wick + Michael Corleone. Add someone desi. Aha! Sanjay Dutt.

By the way, Godfather has been done in Rajneeti, pretty nicely. Sanju has been done too. Ranbir in both. Then why this shit? Wasn’t Kabir Singh enough?

What was the role of women in the movie? One Ivy League sister was always crying and accepting the undue insults from her male. The other had… no role. The mother had… no role. The wife had one role to produce some scenes and two kids. The other woman had one role around sheets.

Oh, one thing to learn. You can go back to your rural relatives after decades and they will be ready to offer all their young men for your security. They will sing. Joke. Guard your affairs. And will die with a smile. For you. Because they don’t have ‘papa’.

And bring Bobby back. Without a single dialogue. He couldn’t do anything for decades with dialogues. So, mute him. Give him a sex appeal. And that’s it. It shall work. Definitely.

I have sinned. 3 hours and 24 mins wasted in violence that was almost turning into a violent homosexuality scene on the runway, but one couldn’t speak, and one couldn’t listen.

What else? Kill hundreds. Show blood. Extreme violence. With some Sikh men singing in chorus with guns in hand. Add ‘papa’ in the lyrics. Accommodate Kabir a little. And that’s it.

These guys. In 40s. 50s. And 60s. Snatching roles of 30s. Never getting tired. Taking space for decades. While women departing to mature roles at 40.

John Wick didn’t try to be younger. He was retired. Di Nero. George Clooney. Daniel Craig. These guys became a class with their age without being in a denial mode. Here, South Asian screen guys are badly stuck. As stuck as Hamayun Saeed was with antenna not working in the 90s.

Nonetheless, the acting wasn’t bad. Guys did well. Only, the script was too ugly.

Lastly, the tiresome insult to cigarettes was too much. I’m taking back that 1.

I definitely have sinned.

You guys going to judge me? Ok. Remember that monkey scene without the monkey but there actually was monkey right there? Yeah, imagine that.